last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
