Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
