and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
