I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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