When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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