I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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