I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
