I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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