I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
