im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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