I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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