Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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