You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
