whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
