This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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