The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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