My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
