I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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