I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
