I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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