My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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