Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Text me some of your sweat
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
