Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
