i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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