it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
