If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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