so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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