and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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