accomplished twins. life is a go
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
