I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
