I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
