I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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