Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
