my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
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My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
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He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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