I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
