my room smells like sperm. sweet.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
