i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
