The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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