he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
