After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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