Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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