the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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