I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
