it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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