My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
