there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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