Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
