Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
