He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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