Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
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