my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
