Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
