You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
