Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
