I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
