Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
