His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
