i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
