I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
