i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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