apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
my sisters under your porch take her home
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
he just fucked me for my cheese..
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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