i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
